Thursday, January 26, 2006

St. Timothy of Borborygmus

According to my new
calendar, (Jeffery Kacirk’s
Forgotten English) today is the Feast Day of St. Timothy. St. Timothy is “a protector of those with intestinal ailments.” In order to figure out what kind of sacrifice St. Tim prefers, I went to
this site to do a bit of research. Oh my Holy Saints, Batman! There are hundreds, if not thousands of saints listed! The “X” page has only one listing, though. Kind of like an express lane for saints. St. Tim, of the intestinal ailments, according to one record hung out with St. Paul. Pretty high up there in the saint seniority, it would seem. And he got to be saint of intestinal disorders.

It got me thinking, (Surprise, surprise.) with so many saints, you really had to get in there early, or be connected in order to get to be the saint of something good. If you become a saint today, you are probably going to wind up with something like “Patron Saint of Lost Keys” or “Patron Saint of Lint Screens.”

Imagine being martyred, dying some gruesome, horrible death for your God, and having to wait around in heaven for your sainthood certificate to arrive. With the golden ink still wet, you make your way over to the Saint’s Services Desk in heaven and ring the bell. (And an angel gets his wings.)

Me: “Hello, anybody here?”

Patron Saint of Saints: “Yes, can I help you?”

Me: “I’ve just received my sainthood, you see, and came to register and see what you have available.”

PSOS: “Well, let’s have a look at that parchment. First of all, you’ll need a fixative for your certificate, keeps the ink nice and prevents smudges and fingerprints. I recommend the Saints Preservus™ it’s acid free and archive quality. Now let me get the registration book and forms. What is your first preference for patroncy?”

Me: Nothing too outrageous or glamorous, what occupations do you have available?

PSOS: “Let me have a look…there is whale washers.

Me: Umm…What else?

PSOS: Canker Sores?

Me: Yeah, no.

PSOS: Lost Causes? Never mind, sorry, that one is taken. How about Lost Keys?

Me: I knew it! How about Patron Saint of Those Aggravated by People Who Talk On Their Cell Phones When They Should Be Paying Attention to The Road?

PSOS: *With a stunned look* I’ll need more ink.

You get the idea. Anyway, I’m off to sacrifice a bucket of hot wings to St. Tim of the Intestinal Disorders.


Random Fact: The guy on the donkey is just a guy on a donkey.


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