She's using me

I am sitting on the couch watching TV when she comes to find me. She presses against me, nuzzling my cheek then giving me "the look" that means she is looking for some amorous attention. I begin to caress her face and she closes her eyes, leaning her head back and making little sounds of pleasure. As I continue to touch her, she stretches herself out next to me, limbs extending, pressing herself closer into my fingers as I am touching her. She begins purring with pleasure as I touch her. In the time we have been together, I have learned how she likes to be touched, what it takes to please her. As I continue, she writhes in ecstasy and scratches me, but I know she doesn't mean to. As a tease, I stop and move my hand away. Her eyes fly open and her head whips around to look at me, to find out why I have stopped. I chuckle and go back to giving her what she wants. When I get to that spot on her lower back that really drives her wild, she loses control of herself. I continue until she rolls over, satiated, and curls up on the couch next to me. Sometimes I think all she wants me for is the things I do for her. You know, fresh water in her dish, food dish full, cat toys all over the house and the occasional left over cereal milk. I now know the origin of the phrase "pussy whipped."

In another world...

I saw her again tonight. But still I said nothing. I am sure that I am making things more complicated than I have to, but over analyzing things is a specialty of mine. If she wasn't friends of friends it might be easier. If she wasn't a friend of someone my friends wanted me to meet, it might be easier. If I didn't think her friend might have an interest in me that I don't feel in return...Well, I am sure you get the picture by now.

I am always worried that she'll catch me staring at her, that I'll be giving off some creepy vibe that will only make her uncomfortable rather than reveal the thoughts I have of her. Does she know how her nose crinkles when she makes an “eww icky” face? Has anyone ever told her how her eyes light up when she smiles? And oh what a smile! I find myself telling dumber jokes than usual just to try to coax one out of her.

I've gotten a few “friend” kisses from her, mostly through precedence set by her friend, but I don't have the courage to instigate one upon meeting or parting, it is all left to her whim. But she has such soft lips and I can't help but wonder what they would feel like pressed to mine. Is her breath as sweet and warm as she is? Are her kisses as fiery and filled with passion as she is from the conversations we have had? As playful and unassuming as she is? God, I'm staring again.

But how can I not? She has such an amazing body, curvaceous and thick, like a woman should be. Not some emaciated stick figure of a woman. How would it feel to hold her, to feel her press against me in an embrace which is more than friendly? Is her skin as soft as it looks? Is she someone who would want to cuddle after sex? Snuggled up against me as I run my fingers over her. To slip my arms around her waist and nuzzle into the back of her neck and drift off to satisfied dreams.

I nibbled that neck tonight, but it was just in the pretense of games with everyone. But did she notice that hers was the only one I did that too? Hers was the only finger I was sucking on seductively, but I wasn't the only one playing with her. Did she even notice I was doing that. Could she see the heat in my eyes or tell the thoughts, far from innocent, going on behind them?

But still I made no move. Waiting for some sign from her. Something that would indicate an interest in return. We are a flirtatious group by nature, but I focus my attentions on her primarily. I don't want to make an ass of myself. I keep asking what the worst is that could happen, but it has been a while since I have been with anyone. I don't want to reek of desperation, even though I haven't had this kind of attraction to anyone in quite some time. So I do nothing to obvious and wish that she could read my mind.

Years have passed since that night, and after that initial attraction we've become good friends and nothing romantic or physical has ever transpired. Once or twice, there was a fleeting possibility of maybe something, but she had other romantic interests, or I did. As time passed we got to know each other too well to think that we might actually work out together as a serious relationship. We've had serious talks and there are some very compatible aspects as well as some that would cause one of us to kill the other. Her beauty and sexiness have never diminished, though, and there are moments that I wonder “What if?” and imagine her and me breathless and spent in a tangle of sheets, reaching for water and giggling in the glow of satisfied after play. We still flirt, but there is too much reality to let the fantasy happen.

Most of the time I am okay with that.

The Wedding of a Lifetime

This all really begins on February 27th, 1973, with the birth of my little brother. We started out as decent playmates and got along well. But as we got a little older, we fought a lot and caused our mom and dad some embarrassment, I am sure. I remember being in physical fights with him in public on more than one occasion. But there were also the fights I got into in his defense. Somewhere we got past the fights and became friends as well as brothers. We share a very similar sense of humor and have spent enough time watching the same movies over and over together that we can speak and riff in quotes from movies, comedians, TV shows and other sundry forms of entertainment. I have a good friend of mine who said watching us talk was like watching two people sharing one brain. My closest set of friends and I will often have the same thought at the same and will just acknowledge it by saying “The router is working.” My brother and I have that going in spades.

As time has passed, I don't see my brother as often as I did when we were living in the same state. I am the only member of my immediate family still living in Arizona, my mom, dad and brother having bounced around for the last ten plus years. We still get together for Christmas and sometimes Easter and we trade phone calls from time to time. As technology has advanced we trade text messages or instant messages as our main form of communication. Two men leading full lives, resorting to what we can in order to keep in touch.

And yet, whenever we are in the same room, it is like nothing has changed. Sure we both shave our heads in defiance of the receding hairlines - Or protruding foreheads, if you prefer - and bald patches we now have. Many people who have seen pictures of us say that they can see the resemblance between us. I'm not sure I completely agree, we both have shaved heads, Van Dykes and the average number of eyes, ears, limbs and what not. Past that, he has a very athletic build, which I don't, and I have him on height. Maybe I am too close to see the physical similarities, but so be it.

In the words of one of our favorite comedians, “I told you that story to tell you this one.”

About 2 years ago, my brother met a wonderful young woman. They began dating and fell in love. I didn't have the chance to meet her until Christmas of 2008, by which time they had been dating for about a year and a half. I really liked her from the time I got to know her, she was sweet, smart and loving. She challenged him and didn't put up with his crap without giving a little back herself. She was good for him and he seemed very happy. He found a woman with the qualities I know I would need to find in order to build a lasting relationship with a personality like mine. Well, and his as well.

A few months later I get a Yahoo IM window pop up with one of the many lines that we quote to greet each other. After a few preliminary “How's it going?” types of posts he asks me what I think about marrying my little brother. Of course the first response was “I don't think that's legal in most states, plus what will your girlfriend say?” It turns out that he had asked her to marry him and she had agreed. (I know, you already got that. Nothing gets by you, does it?)

Beneath the knee jerk, smart-alec reaction, I was floored. My brother has always been the more together of the two of us, careers rather than jobs, no financial/credit issues, he travels and takes good care of himself. Now, I've never felt anything than loved unconditionally by my family, but I have always felt like a bit of a screw up when compared to him. Our lives follow very different paths and while I am happy with the majority of mine, I always feel a little less the grown-up than he is. I'll be forty this September, but that concept boggles my mind. Surely I can't be FORTY! Forty is kind of old. It would take a bit of convincing for me to date a forty year old woman. Those are cougars, aren't they? I don't look my age, I don't feel my age, and I certainly don't act my age! I'd say I am closer to thirty than forty. Denial is a lovely place, I'll send you a postcard.

So when my brother asked me to perform his wedding ceremony, I was deeply moved in the faith that he was putting in me to pull this off. Almost immediately I asked him if our parents knew that he was asking me to do this. I love my parents very much, but we have very different ideas about religion. I could imagine my parents asking my brother if he really wanted to have me do it, wouldn't he rather have a “real” ceremony, or something along those lines. His response was just another shot that really got my heartstrings thrumming, while the verbatim escapes me, it was along the lines of, “This is our wedding and we want you to be the one to do it.” Sure, no pressure. He didn't ever say, “Look, don't screw this up, okay?” but I most definitely wasn't going to give anyone a chance to go back to him afterward to give him the “Well, you picked him, you could have gotten a professional.”

Over the next couple of months, I wrote out some ideas for the ceremony. I looked at the first ceremony I had written, a very simple one for a friend of mine, and expanded on a couple of thoughts I had from that as well. I talked to a friend of mine who does weddings for a living and is highly regarded in the field, being chosen “Best Female Officiate for 2008,” in order to get additional information, ideas and tips. (Thanks Crystal!) My brother and his fiancee had also used “The Google Machine” to find some things they liked as well. In the course of exchanged e-mails, re works and revisions we came up with, in my opinion, a very nice ceremony. They had chosen a pair of readings, one for the best man and one for the matron of honor to read. They had found vows that they liked and words for the ring exchange as well. Beyond that, the bulk of the ceremony was all mine.

The ceremony went just about flawlessly. My brother and his fiancee were very obviously taken with the emotions of the moment and it was a joy to see the two of them together like that. It was, for the most part, a serious ceremony, but there were the whispered one liners and quips that have defined the majority of our relationship. I like to think that my voice didn't crack with emotion and that I was a magnificent speaker, but I haven't seen the tape. I sure know I felt the moment very deeply. There were many compliments about the”beautiful ceremony,” including the most important critics; my brother and his fiancee. Sorry, his wife now.

To my brother and his new bride, thank you very much for the honor you gave me in asking me to perform your ceremony. Thank you for your trust, your hospitality and your help in its creation. Thank you for inviting me to spend this very special and important day with you, it has meant more to me than you might know.

To my brother, I am very happy for you. I am also very proud of you. I always have been, but it has been a while since I had such a vivid reminder. You have made a very nice life for yourself. You are an amazing human being and I feel, as I always have been, honored and lucky to know you. I wish you the very happiest of lives, you deserve it. I love you very much. Now go put on the helmet.