Monday, July 10, 2006

Rub Me The Right Way

I am sitting on the couch watching TV when she comes to find me. She presses against me, nuzzling my cheek then giving me "the look" that means she is looking for some amorous attention. I begin to caress her face and she closes her eyes, leaning her head back and making little sounds of pleasure. As I continue to touch her, she stretches herself out next to me, limbs extending, pressing herself closer into my fingers as I am touching her. She begins purring with pleasure as I touch her. In the time we have been together, I have learned how she likes to be touched, what it takes to please her. As I continue, she writhes in ecstasy and scratches me, but I know she doesn't mean to. As a tease, I stop and move my hand away. Her eyes fly open and her head whips around to look at me, to find out why I have stopped. I chuckle and go back to giving her what she wants. When I get to that spot on her lower back that really drives her wild, she loses control of herself. I continue until she rolls over, satiated, and curls up on the couch next to me. Sometimes I think all she wants me for is the things I do for her. You know, fresh water in her dish, food dish full, cat toys all over the house and the occaisonal left over cereal milk. I now know the origin of the phrase "pussy whipped."


Random Fact: My brother is a volleyball stud.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

How Stupid Are Men?

How stupid are men?

Don't all you ladies rush to answer that; I will be making a specific point/observation in the lines to follow.

So, here's the deal, I received a random friend request on MySpace. Now, since I am not just there to accumulate friends like some people, I actually check out the profiles that send me requests. Most of them are links to web cam sites.
This one
was different. It is someone advertising a penis enlarging "sling” It is, essentially, a rack for your Johnson. I for one am not going to strap my little buddy into a medieval torture device of any kind. But that's just me. Let's continue, shall we?

So I am reading the profile just to see what the hell. I admit to my curiosity. I love to see what kinds of vague promises are made. I always wonder just what it is that sells people on these gimmicks. This one contains the unequivocal scientific reasoning as follows;

"The use of traction or weights to enlarge the penis is based on the principle of tensile force and the body's ability to adapt under such influence. By exposing the penis to a constant, permanent stretch, the cells in the penis chambers will begin to divide and multiply, thus increasing the tissue mass."

So, with sufficient pulling, you can cause the cells to divide and multiply? And with sufficient pressure, you can get them to do beginning algebra as well. Okay, maybe not, but following that logic, if you want to make yourself taller all you have to do is stretch your legs. So all you short folks out there, start hanging from your ankles while holding heavy weights. I'm sorry, I think this only really works for Gumby. I have years of experience of applying tensile force to my member through pulling, and it hasn't gotten any bigger. But it does tend to relieve stress and bring about a sense of overall well being.

So, back to my original question, "How stupid are men?" Do they really believe this garbage? Why is it that I am not a millionaire from selling something so bogus? Ah yes, I have scruples. Damn them.

Before a guy starts plunking down money on this, I suggest he contact the Jim Rose Circus to ask the guy who dangles multiple concrete blocks from his penile piercings if he has reached porn star proportions yet.

In closing, I wish that I could change her layout so that her "Friends" list reads, "A bunch of guys who think their penises are too small."


Random Fact: No guy really believes that size doesn’t matter.