Dress to Impress

I recently received a spam e-mail which was titled “Impress her with a hard erection!”

Now, I may have missed this particular issue of GQ, but I don’t remember this really being a way to impress women. As a matter of fact, I don’t think there is a bar in Phoenix where I could just walk up to a woman and whip mine out without getting slapped and/or arrested. Okay, maybe there are a few places this might be acceptable. But I don’t go to those places. In fact, I have only heard of them from friends. (And in case my mom is reading this I would never go to one, even out of curiosity to check it out.) (Cause you never know where my mom will turn up. She surprises me a lot.)

Since I have many women friends and I am not shy, so I asked around for things that impress them about a man. I invariably had to ask them, at the end of their thoughts, and lists, “How about a hard erection?” Needless to say, I then had to explain I wasn’t offering one.

Actually, I have been hard pressed (No pun intended) to find anyone impressed by a hard erection. Then again, I haven’t asked around any retirement communities, where this might actually be a topic of conversation. I can imagine a table of old ladies sitting around asking each other if they had seen Ernie’s (Or whoever.) new erection.

Now, it could be that I am more difficult to impress in this manner, having the equipment myself and having had to deal with such “uprisings.” But other than the retirement home example, I can’t think of a situation where you could use an erection to impress anyone. And believe me, I have put effort into it. Here’s the proof:

At a job interview;
“No, I don’t have a degree or experience, but take a look at this!
(Unless you are applying for the position of “Porn Star.”)

Meeting your girlfriend’s mother;
“No ma’am, I don’t have a diploma or any goal or direction in life, but there is something I’d like to show you.”

In court;
“I’m sorry, judge, I don’t have a valid license or proof of insurance, but I am an upstanding citizen.”

Buying a car;
“No I don’t have a job, or credit, but I do have one thing can provide to show why I should have this sports car.”

Before the parole board;
“I know I haven’t completed my therapy sessions, but perhaps, if I were able to introduce a character witness?”

“Hello, Nobel committee?”
I think you get the point.

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Random fact: I am turning into my parents and I don’t even have kids yet.

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Also;
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!